I’m so proud of my friend C.C. Chapman for getting some serious play on CNN during their Inaugural coverage yesterday on CNN Live. I think they couldn’t have picked anyone better to be the voice of social media in America.
C’mon, how can you not love Tina Fey?
You know how sometimes you hear a song for the first time and it just instantly paints a picture in your head? The other day I saw the video for Forever by In This Moment and, first I was really hooked by the tune and I thought the video was great. But as I closed my eyes listening to the music this cinematic scene came into my head and I realized that if I had to describe to someone what this song feels like, it would go something like this:
Imagine you’re behind the wheel of a speeding ‘69 mustang convertible, racing 120 miles per hour down a two-lane desert highway running through the middle of nowhere. Pedal to the metal. The engine going full out beyond anything it was ever designed to handle. Climbing out the passenger seat all over you is the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever known in your life. She’s 19, face like an angel with a body for sin– perfect tits, perfect ass and a pussy that calls out your name when your sleeping.
Her blond hair whips all around you in the hot summer wind as she silmultaneously slides her hand down the front of your Levis while whispering all the dirty things she wants you to do to her in your ear. She reaches into one of the many bank bags hastily thrown into the backseat, snatches out a handful of hundred dollar bills and throws them up into the air where they spiral like confetti. At this high rate of speed you can’t take your eyes off the road but you catch a glimpse of the cash flying up and away to nowhere and momentarily you laugh at the thought of the teller’s face as he carried those bags out while you waved that unloaded pistol under his nose. Oh how nearly the same scene played out several times over the past three weeks to the point where the entire trunk was stuffed with so much moola that you had to sit on the lid to get it closed all the way.
It was never about the money, you tell yourself as she gently sticks her tongue in your ear. It was never at all about the money.
Not that they would ever believe you or even care at this point. Even as the speedometer inches closer to 130, you can see the dust cloud is closing the distance on your six. The strobing of their lights glints back at you in your rearview is something nearly hypnotic to behold. Their shapes shimmer and blur in the heat coming off the asphalt but there’s no doubt they are gaining fast. There are too many of them to count. In fact you could never imagine in a milllion years there were even this many police cars in the entire state. In your chest you can feel the thumping of the S.W.A.T helicopters closing in from above without having to turn and look. Another handful of crisp green bejamins flies up toward them, momentarily distracting the snipers locking in on you with their scopes. You turn your gaze away from the road momentarily and the feeling is something akin to soaring as you look into those soft dark eyes of hers wanting to thank her for making you feel more alive than ever these past three weeks than you ever have before and wordlessly they tell you you don’t have to because both of you know you have at best another 10 seconds to live.
Now imagine this is the song playing on the radio.
From the album “THE DREAM” available on iTunes 
Do you have a Wunder Boner? Would you like a Wunder Boner? Well, I can’t help you with that but perhaps this lost commercial can help you. Check out what may have been the greatest single innovative retail product with the name “Boner” in it in modern history. And if you’re to believe, or can stomach, the on screen demonstration, the Wunder Boner really works! Though there’s just something magnetically horrifying about this boner that kind of makes my breakfast want to reverse course.
Regardless, I think the Wunder Boner hillbillies here have one fine boner of a product and if you can stomach the Wunder Boner in action, enjoy.
Maybe she should try to find her perfect match with eHarmony Coupon EHWEEK.
Stay classy, Fox News!
My buddy Scott Sigler’s next major release CONTAGIOUS is coming out on DECEMBER 30! You know it’s gonna be fucking awesome… so what are you waiting for?
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