R.I.P. Middle Class. It was good to know ya…

“Nothing, Oh, Nothing” by SATISFACTION

MY NEW GIG: I’m co-hosting RADIO GO DADDY with Nima Jones and Go Daddy CEO Bob Parsons

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Michael Vick returns to action this weekend. I’m still pissed off about it. I thought it would be a good time to read my short story, JUDGEMENT DAY FOR MICHAEL VICK. Enjoy…

Plus.. a Walmart employee chimes in about PCH483

MY NEW GIG: I’m co-hosting RADIO GO DADDY with Nima Jones and Go Daddy CEO Bob Parsons

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The infamous “Keep Fucking that Chicken” news blooper, plus the PCH Ministry and the return of PORN VS CHICKEN!

MY NEW GIG: I’m co-hosting RADIO GO DADDY with Nima Jones and Go Daddy CEO Bob Parsons

“All Your Fault” by Blake Morgan – buy it now!

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YOU LIE… Yeah, Joe Wilson, I’m talking to you… But really, what is America without a culture of fear?

MY NEW GIG: I’m co-hosting RADIO GO DADDY with Nima Jones and Go Daddy CEO Bob Parsons

“City of the Sun” by Kevin Gilbert

Download this episode of Pacific Coast Hellway

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Guest-hosting Radio Go Daddy once again. God damn, this is a great gig!

This week we have a couple of great guests and of course I crack wise and commit borderline sexual harassment on my co-host Nima. From the official description.

Save yourselves from an inevitable robot attack! That’s the chilling message from Dr. Daniel Wilson, roboticist and author of the tongue-in-cheek “How to Survive a Robot Uprising.” Also joining Nima & guest host Mark Yoshimoto Nemcoff: Comedienne Sarah Colonna from E!’s very funny “Chelsea Lately” gives her take on The Real Housewives of New Joisey, belching on the first date and so much more.
On the Internet Files learn why Mark wants to get his hands on the SI SwimSuit iPhone app and why no matter how much Nima may loathe it, that YouTube wedding video isn’t going anywhere fast!

Plus: Owen Thomas blows the lid off of Silicon Valley narcissism and Nima and Mark span the globe for this week’s weirdest news!

Click HERE to download this episode

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Okay so Sarah Palin resigns on a friday afternoon before a big holiday, after the network national news broadcasts have aired on the East Coast. Obvious news dumping.

But did she really think nobody would notice? (You betcha!)

Her rambling, kinda confusing speech caps it. I think she’s fucking nuts. I think its fucking ridiculous that the Palins may have gotten some news that will soon be shared with the rest of the world and wanted to prepare for the shitstorm.

I read one rumor that the IRS has something BIG on the Palins. I heard Rick Sanchez of CNN say that she may be pregnant again.

I think they found a hunting trophy room full of mounted state trooper heads belonging to cops who wouldn’t do what she wanted them to do.

All I know is that she did what she did in order to “best serve the people of Alaska”.

And if “best serving” your constituency involves resigning before your first term is over then, lady, you’re not as fucking stupid as I thought you were.

And puh-leeze… does anyone think this is really the first step towards a 2012 run? Does anyone really think that resigning from public office is the best way to demonstrate your leadership potential for the big chair? If so, then you, my knuckleheaded friend, deserve the kind of “leadership” Caribou Barbie brings to the table.

My absolute best guess about why Sarah Palin resigned is so that she can actually star in the sequel to NAILIN PAYLIN

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Watch more clips from the adult parody NAILIN PAILIN

Go Daddy’s own Bob Parsons sent me this photo. Can you think of a good caption for this pic?

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This is really cool. A very talented young artist by the name of Shane Lees wrote to me on Facebook to tell me how much he enjoyed my serial killer novel “Diary of a Madman”. It even inspired him to create some art of his own.

What you see here is a moment from late in the book where our killer shows off one of the many things you’re really not supposed to do with a pen. However, what Shane did here with a pencil is magnificent. I really, really like how it captures the disturbing moment perfectly.

Big thanks to Shane. Awesome job, man.

And if you want to see more of Shane’s artwork, click here.

Soon to be a major motion picture—produced by Guillermo del Toro and directed by J.A. Bayona

The folks at Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin’s Press asked me to record a special preview of HATER a great new novel by the very talented U.K. horror writer David Moody.backgammon free casino money free craps game play free black jack craps video poker strategy play black jack online how to win video poker casino game online uk best casino online casino secure online gambling jackpot casino online casino black jack learn to play craps how to win at video poker craps online blackjack casino game online casino betting free on line video poker casino games no download casino online gambling casino play free casino slots video poker machine bonus video poker free on line slots double bonus video poker free video poker games free casinos roulette online craps rules free on line casino rules of craps online casino free money blackjack 21 internet casino how to play craps free casino game download fortunelounge online casino free casino download free casino card game free roulette game free casino play no deposit free money casino internet casino online

The preview is just of the prologue and first chapter but I think it’ll give you an inkling of the insanity that follows. HATER is available now wherever books are sold.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE HATER PREVIEW

REMAIN CALM DO NOT PANIC TAKE SHELTER WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL Society is rocked by a sudden increase in the number of violent assaults on individuals. Christened ‘Haters’ by the media, the attackers strike without warning, killing all who cross their path. The assaults are brutal, remorseless and extreme: within seconds, normally rational, self-controlled people become frenzied, vicious killers. There are no apparent links as a hundred random attacks become a thousand, then hundreds of thousands. Everyone, irrespective of gender, age, race or any other difference, has the potential to become a victim – or a Hater. People are afraid to go to work, afraid to leave their homes and, increasingly, afraid that at any moment their friends, even their closest family, could turn on them with ultra violent intent.  Waking up each morning, no matter how well defended, everyone must now consider the fact that by the end of the day, they might be dead.  Or perhaps worse, become a killer themselves.  As the status quo shifts, ATTACK FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER becomes the order of the day…  only, the answers might be much different than what you expect…. 

In the tradition of H. G. Wells and Richard Matheson, Hater is one man’s story of his place in a world gone mad— a world infected with fear, violence, and HATE.

HaterPreview.com

 

We had been traveling all day. We get into Ft. Lauderdale at 10pm where you have to take a shuttle bus to a “Rental Car Pavillion”. Once there, all of the other counters are empty and of course there’s a big line at Hertz. Mostly because there is ONE PERSON WORKING THERE and NONE OF THE ELECTRONIC KIOSKS WERE IN SERVICE.

Okay, there were actually two people working there but one of them was at the part where the Hertz Gold Club members check in and wasn’t helping the rest of us, even though there were NO GOLD CLUB MEMBERS waiting in line. And the one kiosk that looked like it was working allowed you to spend 10 minutes punching in all of your information and the options you wanted before, you guessed it, bringing up a screen telling you to talk to a customer representative. 

So we waited and waited… and waited… about 15-20 of us… and the line is not moving. We’re there for over a half hour by the time I whip out my video camera to document what’s going on. 

And that’s when the one lady working there disappears behind a door for a moment, then comes back out and SALUTES US… yes, salutes us like “SEE YA, SUCKERS!” and then SHE LEAVES. 

So as you can see, I chase after her and well… I guess her response is just Hertz’s lousy customer service in action. 

Call me crazy but maybe, just maybe I think she could have said “You know what, I have to leave, let me go and find someone to help you…” but no… 

So, being amazed at her actual response to the camera I popped the chip from my Sanyo and sent the clip to CNN iReports right there while we were waiting in line thanks to the miracle of 3G wireless. And by the time we actually were helped by someone some half hour later, I had the clip uploaded. 

The next day someone sent me a link to a story that Hertz was laying off 400 people because their business was in trouble. That person suggested that’s why this employee was such an asshole. 

I disagree. I think it’s the other way around. I think Hertz’s business is in trouble because they employ assholes like this and their customer service is HORRIBLE. 

As I wrote on the CNN website, in this economy, with times being tough and companies being in trouble, I would hope that people choose to spend their money at businesses that actually have decent customer service. No longer should the customer settle for being treated like crap by companies like Hertz because they can afford to do so. If you’re like me, you take your business elsewhere. 

If you don’t mind being shit upon by Hertz, then by all means rent from them. But for me, I’ll never use Hertz Rent a Car again. 

 

You know how sometimes you hear a song for the first time and it just instantly paints a picture in your head? The other day I saw the video for Forever by In This Moment and, first I was really hooked by the tune and I thought the video was great. But as I closed my eyes listening to the music this cinematic scene came into my head and I realized that if I had to describe to someone what this song feels like, it would go something like this:

Imagine you’re behind the wheel of a speeding ‘69 mustang convertible, racing 120 miles per hour down a two-lane desert highway running through the middle of nowhere. Pedal to the metal. The engine going full out beyond anything it was ever designed to handle. Climbing out the passenger seat all over you is the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever known in your life. She’s 19, face like an angel with a body for sin– perfect tits, perfect ass and a pussy that calls out your name when your sleeping.

Her blond hair whips all around you in the hot summer wind as she silmultaneously slides her hand down the front of your Levis while whispering all the dirty things she wants you to do to her in your ear. She reaches into one of the many bank bags hastily thrown into the backseat, snatches out a handful of hundred dollar bills and throws them up into the air where they spiral like confetti. At this high rate of speed you can’t take your eyes off the road but you catch a glimpse of the cash flying up and away to nowhere and momentarily you laugh at the thought of the teller’s face as he carried those bags out while you waved that unloaded pistol under his nose. Oh how nearly the same scene played out several times over the past three weeks to the point where the entire trunk was stuffed with so much moola that you had to sit on the lid to get it closed all the way.

It was never about the money, you tell yourself as she gently sticks her tongue in your ear. It was never at all about the money.

Not that they would ever believe you or even care at this point. Even as the speedometer inches closer to 130, you can see the dust cloud is closing the distance on your six. The strobing of their lights glints back at you in your rearview is something nearly hypnotic to behold. Their shapes shimmer and blur in the heat coming off the asphalt but there’s no doubt they are gaining fast. There are too many of them to count. In fact you could never imagine in a milllion years there were even this many police cars in the entire state. In your chest you can feel the thumping of the S.W.A.T helicopters closing in from above without having to turn and look. Another handful of crisp green bejamins flies up toward them, momentarily distracting the snipers locking in on you with their scopes. You turn your gaze away from the road momentarily and the feeling is something akin to soaring as you look into those soft dark eyes of hers wanting to thank her for making you feel more alive than ever these past three weeks than you ever have before and wordlessly they tell you you don’t have to because both of you know you have at best another 10 seconds to live.

Now imagine this is the song playing on the radio.

From the album “THE DREAM” available on iTunes

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