Just because you keep a drugged woman chained in your basement doesn’t mean you two are married.

Trust me on this one.

Well, actually, if you keep her down there for seven years in most states, I think that qualifies as a common law marriage.

Turns out you have to wait out the statute of limitations, which is like twenty years or something crazy like that.

I mean, come on… do you really want to be married that long to begin with?

Catch 22. You can never win.

Dude, trust me, I understand that all you want to do is keep them safe… I collect things too.

First of all, let me begin by saying that we at Pacific Coast Hellway do not condone the KIDNAPPING of anyone, especially your co-workers.

We understand it, but we don’t by any means condone it.

But who are we to judge?

I realize that often times there are moments when you just need to own something, that borrowing or just browsing won’t do. But if your plans include abduction, then perhaps you’re at a much more advanced level than we’re ready to talk about today.

Because you have to walk before you can run.

Which means it all starts… with stalking.

Now, I just want to say that I think the word “stalking” just gives off such negative connotations. I prefer to think of it as “following with intent”… be it as it may.

You may be saying… “Gee, Mark, I’ve never followed anyone with intent, unless it included giving them back the can of beans that fell out of their shopping bag or a hankie that has dropped from their purse.”

But if you’ve stopped to sniff that hankie, or even the can of beans first before returning them to their rightful owner, then you may want to get out a notepad before I go any further.

If you’re a novice, a good place to start is your co-workers. You know what they look like, for one. There’s nothing worse than stalking a stranger, they’re totally unrecognizable, I mean, you could be stalking anyone.

There! – I said it again – the “S” word. I guess for ease of explanation I may as well use it – stalking, that is – to avoid any confusion.

By now, you’ve probably considered stalking in the past and perhaps have even gone so far as to eyeball your intended stalkee every time they walk past your workspace until they’re completely out of view, or followed them to the parking garage always keeping at least a hundred feet behind them to avoid being noticed.

Which brings us to the very important topic of learning about your beloved. You’re going to want to gather some serious information about them.
It helps to build up a dossier, a file of your intended victim… did I say victim? I meant target – no, subject! Get to know their routines, favorite places and the like.

You need to know when they’re going to be where, and who they’re talking to, and what it is they’re talking about. Luckily, there’s a simple method for procuring this information.

If your stalkee is like most office employees, they’ve completely ignored the directives from HR and IT and left their password on a stickie note somewhere around their desk.

Someday when your target… er… object of affection… is out sick or on vacation, take a casual stroll over to their cubicle. If anyone catches you, just tell them you’re looking for “The Johnson Report” or something. They’ll go away.

Now, this is very important. DO NOT log into their computer. Instead, memorize their password. DO NOT write it down, and certainly, DO NOT move or take the stickie with you. Leave it exactly where you found it.

Now, with their password, it’s a simple matter of setting up their email on your home computer, or getting at it through the web.
Again, you don’t really want to be doing this from your work computer; you’ll want to do it from your home computer, which is located in the room you’ve set aside as a shrine to your stalkee.

Once you have their email address, a million other things will fall into place. You’ll find out all kinds of great information! You’ll probably have access to her whole calendar.

And with any luck, you’ll find out who she’s currently dating and what kind of car he drives and thanks to the power of the internet, you can learn where the brake lines are on such a car in no time at all!

However, be aware that this method does have risks. You could very easily come across a piece of email where she talks about that guy who won’t “leave me alone” and realize she’s talking about you. But that’s okay. That means you’ll just have to try that much harder to win her love.

With a little luck, you may even discover your subject has his or her own blog.

Consider this hitting the jackpot because with a little careful reading between the lines you could find something out about someone that will pay off in spades. Like, for instance, Brian, from accounts, spends most of his off time reading, and in the public library of all places.

With information like this in hand, you can sit there for hours just watching him.

Be careful, though, because it’s not too big a leap to go from, “I wonder what he’s reading? It must be good, he’s been at it for hours!” to, “I hate you Brian, sitting there reading in that lovely warm library, eating Turkish delights. If it wasn’t for you – you bastard! – I could be reading a book of my own, rather than spending the best part of an evening up a tree watching you through this window – you sick fucker!”

Never be angry at your subject for going about their normal routine, unless that routine includes displaying some kind of affection for another human being other than yourself.
That is when the ball peen hammer you’ve packed into your stalking kit comes in handy. For more information on what else to include please refer to the PDF file attached to this podcast.
Now, it goes without saying that stealth is the secret to good stalking.

There are plenty of ways to pull this off out in public. When stalking in a supermarket, make good use of your surroundings. Hiding behind the endcap where the tortillas are shelved works as a standard cover, but holding a watermelon up in front of your face can also work in a pinch.

However, following your stalkee around while hiding behind the same piece of fruit isn’t advisable.

A good stalker will change every few minutes to a large cantaloupe or perhaps a nice ripe musk melon.

One of the trickiest maneuvers in co-worker stalking is The Follow Home. This is where most novice stalkers go wrong.
If you do plan on doing The Follow Home or as I like to call it, The First Step to True Love, there are a few things you need to consider.

First off, is this just a recon mission? Are you just doing a drive by? Sometimes you just want to confirm their address or perhaps check the timing of exactly how long it takes for them to get from the bus to their front door, how many people they’ll say hello to on the way there, and if there are any moments when they’re completely alone and nobody can see them.

If you’re on that kind of trip, then all you need is a couple of hundred yards away from their place and a good stopwatch. From that distance, they won’t know you’re there, and you can still survey the scene.

Don’t forget to bring your journal! Remember, good stalking and good record keeping walk hand in hand!

However, if this visit to your intended’s house is one for the long haul, and by that we mean the type where you sit outside their house until long after they’ve gone to bed, and even then for a few hours more, you’re going to want to take some precautions.
When stalking, it helps to be as nondescript as possible.

First of all, you’re going to need to rent a car. By now, they’re probably fully aware of the type of car you drive, so the fine folks at Hertz, Avis, Dollar, and Alamo will become your new best friends.

Second, that means no Hawaiian shirts or Bermuda shorts. Stilts are totally out of the question and luminous, glow in the dark, bowties are a no-no, particularity at night. Anything that might draw attention to you is not acceptable.

When stalking, a disguise is not out of order. It won’t take much – a fake moustache, a hat, not much more. We don’t recommend getting dressed up as a circus clown.

Not at this stage anyway. That’ll be for later in your relationship when you show up unannounced at 3 a.m., crying about how life is meaningless without them.

For THAT you need the clown suit, otherwise you’re just some loser who blew his brains out on some chick’s doorstep. A clown suit WILL get you the headlines that prove how much they should have loved you back. But that’s actually a topic for part two of this discussion at some future date.

So now what? You’re outside their apartment in your rented car and your Gene Shallit moustache, what do you do? This is the perfect opportunity to write her a twenty-eight page letter about how much you love her.

Remember! Write as small as possible, use both sides, and mention the military-industrial complex every now and then.

Trust me, that letter will be a keeper.

You also want to keep the keys in the ignition in case you need to make a quick exit. You are far too new at this to even consider the hoops you’ll have to jump through if she catches you and slaps you with a restraining order.

That’s some pretty advanced stalking, and you’ll want to avoid it until you’re stalking your fifth or sixth person. Believe me, I know my stuff. I must have stalked over fifty people by now and it isn’t even the weekend, so I know what I’m talking about

Now, please remember that stalking your co-workers is not the kind of project you want to take on if you already have a hectic go-go-go kind of lifestyle because of the sheer time commitment involved.

However, if you do tend to have a very busy life, do not rule out stalking altogether because oftentimes, that busy lifestyle of yours could provide very convincing alibis, if and when that kind of thing becomes necessary.

Needless to say, expect to make mistakes at first. But there’s only so many chance occurrences you can explain away before the inevitable occurs… which brings us back to the ball peen hammer in your kit, but more on that next week

Until then, happy hunting and remember the stalker’s credo:
I’m not a weirdo or a freak or anything of the sort – I just want to make sure that nobody else is.

For the rest of you, please feel free to take notes.

MYN

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This entry was posted on Friday, January 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm and is filed under Blog . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.