2008 February

The Chinese government is giving away pandas to Taiwan because they know they have a public relations problem. And not just with Taiwan but with the entire western world.

When you think of China, you think of deplorable conditions and human rights violations so severe they make our treatment of Intern Guy look like an afternoon at Disneyland.

Now there are some of you who say we should fear China because, as one of the very few communist States remaining, it refuses to adhere to international norms of individual rights. Tibetans, Muslims and Christians within its borders are under particular threat and yet China’s ridiculously large population and growing economy make it an example to others and hinder the spread of the values of liberal democracy.

Some of you say we should fear China because of its territorial claims. For example, in both the Taiwan Strait and the South China Sea, they have made a show of armed force in the past few years. It’s a nuclear power and has the largest armed forces in the world. And because its military strength actually isn’t particularly impressive, they may be quick on the trigger to use nukes in a crisis.

And the only reason they probably haven’t ICBM’d Taiwan into a parking lot is because none of the Generals in the Chinese army can’t pronounce the word “crisis”.

Now the big trouble in little China has a lot to do with the fact that here is a superpower that’s about as stable as Mohammad Ali doing the highwire act at Cirque de Soleil.

With a central government struggling to control the regions, Red Army, growing crime, corruption and the black market trade of predicting lottery numbers on the back of fortune cookie fortunes, it’s easy to suggest the leadership in Beijing is losing control faster than Mickey Rooney’s bladder.

Many fear that this would just be a precursor to seizing Taiwan and, as we all know, you’ll just want to seize it again an hour later.

Now, regardless of how you take one from column A and one from column B, it all adds up to the fact that China poses a threat in terms of its economic dominance. Its ability to flood our economy with cheap exports such as flimsy sex dolls that fall apart the first time you bend blow-up Jenna Jameson’s legs up behind her ears to hit that tight fitting greek feature only to have it explode like an overstretched child’s party balloon… Not that I… I’m just saying hypothetically… that could happen… yeah…

But it’s just these kind of cheap convict-made products that increasingly hurt our own industries, and let’s not forget that China’s rapid development also poses grave problems to the global environment since the Chinese demand for cars, energy, timber and aerosol cheese undermines international attempts to deal with pollution and resource depletion.

But if you’re to believe theoretical socioeconomic rationalization, and who wouldn’t, a trading China is even less of a threat to world peace. And since its economic development is slower than the line behind Ricki Lake at the Caesars Palace buffet, our businesses should be able to adapt to China’s presence in the world market.
And it’s hard to deny there’s an enormous opportunity for investors now that economic avenues to the Chinese population are more open than Paris Hilton’s legs after last call at Skybar.

So China thinks it’s being all sneaky using cute endangered species as diplomatic weapons… but let me tell you, if you think you can trick me by trying to win over the world’s hearts and minds by hiding its ugliness and fucked up ideologies with it’s cuddly little treasures…

Well guess what, Chairman Cream of Sum Yung Guy, that strategy stopped working for the Olsen Twins. What the fuck makes you think it’s gonna keep working for you?