In every organization, there are people who make the big decisions. No matter what size or style of the organization, somebody, or a group of somebodies, has to make the choices that move that business forward. If you’re a big business, those people are usually high-level management like CEO’s and boards of directors.
If you’re a small business, it’s probably just the owner or partners. Even something like a cub scout troop needs a den mother who will make the key decisions as to where they’re going camping, who’s going to make the campfire, and how best to keep Tom Cruise away from the pre-teen boys in uniform.
But we want to talk today about the big boys. Those CEOs and captains of industry who, though not elected by any democratic process, have influence and power over all of our lives. No, not Oprah. Business people. Though I do firmly believe if she came out on her show one day and chowed down on a baby you’d have every dumbfuck house frau running out there to do the same and maybe we’d solve this overpopulation problem once and for all… but then again, I’m a sick motherfucker and these are the things I think about at breakfast.
Now, we all know how the people who make the big decisions come to their conclusions. They do extensive market analysis, read all of the right trade journals, conduct studies, measure demographics, and balance out all of this critical information against a statistical model that best reflects the key environments in which their decisions will play out. Then they just pull something out of their ass and do whatever they wanted to do in the first place.
Because here’s what happens when you get elevated to those lofty corner offices that overlook the cities of the world. You lose touch faster than Helen Keller in mittens. You have no way of knowing what’s really going on, what people really want, or how they think other than what your focus groups tell you.
And if you look it up, the term “focus group” is derived from Latin, meaning unemployed losers who’ll do anything for free pizza.
If you’re a CEO, you’re so completely removed from the real world that you think working class refers to butlers, chauffeurs and high-priced call girls.
You’d like to be able to trust the people who work for you, but they’re all scared of you. They’re terrified that if they say the wrong thing, or have to be the one to bring you bad news, that they’re going to be shit-canned and lose that Mercedes, that expense account, and that corner office. They read all the reports, usually written by people who are just as out of touch as they are, and at the end of the day, you have people make decisions that give us shitty products like: The Edsel, Betamax, New Coke, Pets.Com, and Diggnation.
And that, my friends, is why these people should be listening to podcasting. So that they can get their thumbs out of their asses and have their finger on the pulse of what’s really going on, and get real information about the direction and attitudes of their customers, both actual and potential. Although, in the case of Diggnation, they should be specifically listening to this show to see how it’s done when you want to… oh… I don’t know… entertain people. But I digress…
Listen, captains of industry or whatever you overpaid monkey suit wearing humps are calling yourselves these days… every other source of information you can get has been processed, packaged, and formatted so that all the truth has been sucked out of it.
Think you can get a grip on what’s going on in teen music just by watching Total Request Live? Then you’re about as clued in as Paris Hilton in a MIT physics classroom.
Think that fatass Emeril Lagasse is really influencing kitchens across America? Right, and Domino’s is going out of business because everyone’s at home cooking truffle jambalaya. Think The Apprentice has made Donald Trump into something most people consider a TV Star? Think again, business boy. He’s a fucking novelty act. Nobody in the real world gives a wet dirty shit about Donald Trump or that aborted raccoon on his stupid head.
But they’d know all this stuff if they listened to podcasting. Why? Because it’s media for and by the people they claim to understand through their spreadsheets and Power Point presentations.
Want to know what people are driving? There’s dozens of podcasts dedicated to cars. Want to know what they’re drinking? Yep, a few dozen more that are all about booze. Want to know who’s drinking and driving? Hey, Madge Weinstein’s on right after us on Sirius Stars 102.
With podcasting, you’ve got an unprecedented opportunity to know what we’re up to down here in the purchasing classes. For the first time in human history, guys like you can know what it is guys like me are up to, without resorting to illegal wiretapping or hiring a midget to hang out in my closet. Yeah, I know what you did, Richard Branson, don’t think you can fool me. I found the little fucker under my laundry, gave him an oatmeal raisin cookie and sent him on his way. He got nothing, you hear me, Branson? Nothing!
The point is that you, the big decision makers whose every whim affects our culture, economy, and society, had better get off your lazy asses and start paying attention to what’s really going on, or you’re gonna end up in the dumpster of history like Compaq computers and UHF television stations. And you’ll find no better place than podcasting to get started. We’re already here, tens of thousands strong, telling you just what we think, every day.
You don’t need some high-paid consultant or overpriced demographics survey to give you insight into the American mind. All you need is a decent Internet connection and a set of ears. You remember your ears, right? They’re those things on either side of your brain. And your brain? Hell, if you started using THAT to make decisions instead of a fucking spreadsheet, who knows what amazing stuff you might come up with.
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